The Simplest Solution
by Lady Tsuru27
Summary: Sometimes a heart that's been broken so many times just can't be repaired. Tetsuhiro still struggles with his past, but does Souichi realize just how serious it is? Can he fix what's been broken over and over again? Perhaps the answer is simpler than he thinks.


**Disclaimer: I don't own them. But you probably knew that. ;)**

**Warnings: Cursing, probably OOC, yaoi, and a lot of depression. Also mention of child abuse, and a ton of other stuff that probably makes this the ultimate cliché in emo fanfiction.**

**Summary: After so much trauma, a broken heart just can't heal itself anymore. Tetsuhiro can't take any more pain, but does Souichi even know how serious it is? **

**Notes: Well, I was just in the mood to write something depressing. I had to get it out of my system, so to speak. I was just thinking about what it must be like to be with someone who's reluctant to even acknowledge you as a lover, and this came to mind… Meh, what can I say? I just got Volume 7, and Tetsuhiro angst is contagious. Oh, and this takes place after the epilogue. I also kinda use my own interpretation of just what kind of upbringing someone has to have before they submit to being smacked around on a daily basis… In other words, I'm probably reading WAY too much into Tetsuhiro's behavior. Forgive me!**

The Simplest Solution

Tetsuhiro had always been a little too sensitive. He knew that; he realized that his tendency to read too much into people's actions and words had caused him a lot of trouble. Yet it kept him going; before Souichi agreed to let him stay with him, he had continued to love the man with only his own hope to keep him from giving up. Souichi certainly wasn't very encouraging, yet there had to be something there. Every time Tetsuhiro was ready to throw in the towel, Souichi brought him back with a small word or gesture that hinted that perhaps he cared.

Yet that smooth voice that could reel Tetsuhiro in like a fish could also cut him deeply. "You're such a moron!" "Leave me alone!" "Don't get any mushy ideas!" "If only you were straight!" Listening to any one of Souichi's angered rants, nobody would guess that the two had officially been together for two months – and technically been together for over a year.

Souichi hadn't changed a bit. Even though he did acknowledge that he wanted to stay with Tetsuhiro, the younger man sometimes felt like they hadn't made any progress at all. Souichi was accepting of sex, so that was wonderful. However, outside of the bedroom, it was all harsh blows and even harsher words.

Tetsuhiro contemplated all of this as he stood alone on the balcony of their apartment. Their last encounter was still fresh in his mind; he had only reached for Souichi's hand while they were watching TV, and Souichi had – as usual – swatted him away. It was a small gesture that happened at least ten times a day, but this time Tetsuhiro had gotten up and gone outside. Unsurprisingly, Souichi hadn't noticed; judging from the dark living room beyond the sliding glass door, he had gone to bed half an hour ago.

He stood there for a long while, not noticing how cold it was. Even when he started shivering, he didn't move from his spot. He could only feel the pain in his chest as it radiated, searing hot, to every part of his body. He felt nauseous and dizzy, his breath was coming in ragged gasps before the tears even started running down his face. The pain was pulsing now, ebbing and flowing like a burning tide. Silently he cried, shuddering, until he sank to his knees and leaned his head against the cold steel railing. His vision blurred. He couldn't see anything but a growing darkness that threatened to consume him, and he felt it creep into his body slowly and silently. It was like a shadow, wrapping him in its cold embrace, and he submitted to it wholly.

Meanwhile, unknown to Tetsuhiro, Souichi was very aware of his distress. He had gone to bed but was unable to sleep, and now he sat on the couch watching this scene unfold in front of him like a silent film. He had noticed something was wrong as soon as Tetsuhiro had gone outside, but he figured it was just his usual hissy-fit over not being able to cuddle like he wanted to. "Ridiculous…" Souichi had muttered, but now he wasn't so sure this was normal. He had been watching him for some time, and was growing more and more concerned at his lover's behavior.

When Tetsuhiro curled into a ball on the balcony floor, Souichi stood up and walked to the door. Tetsuhiro didn't look up when the door opened. He didn't look up when Souichi called his name, or when he knelt beside him and shook his arm.

Souichi almost flinched when he touched the bare forearm; he was icy cold. "Morinaga," he said again, fear creeping up his spine. "Morinaga! Hey, get up! What's wrong?"

Tetsuhiro didn't answer or acknowledge his presence in any way. He just kept shaking.

"Get up, you idiot!" Souichi really was frightened now, and he stood up while tugging on Tetsuhiro's arm. Finally, there was a spark of recognition. He looked up at Souichi with dull eyes, as if he couldn't actually see him. His fingertips, still digging into his shoulders, were blue. Souichi's shouts had cut through the darkness in Tetsuhiro's mind, bringing him back to reality. Tetsuhiro looked up at him for a moment, rising up from the shadows, and allowed his mind to comprehend where he was and who was standing over him.

"Oh… Senpai…" he mumbled finally, then shakily got to his feet. "What are you doing up?"

"I should ask you that!" Souichi shouted, pushing Tetsuhiro into the apartment and slamming the door behind him. "What the fuck were you doing out there?! What, you fell asleep or something?"

"No… I'm sorry, Senpai…"

The blank tone of voice scared Souichi, and that irritated him. Before he could say anything, though, Tetsuhiro had walked past him into his own bedroom. The moments spent in despair had tired him, and now all he felt was a numbness that fought back the biting pain from before.

"I'm going to bed…" his voice could barely be heard as the door closed, and Souichi was left standing in the living room, unsure of what to do. This wasn't normal at all. His kouhai's disposition was so different from the usual that Souichi thought about going after him. His pride kept him from it, though.

"_He's probably just tired," _he reasoned with himself, and went into his own room. He left the door open, though. _"If he wants to come in during the night, I guess that won't be a problem," _he thought, lying down and pulling the cool sheets over himself. There was no sound from the other side of the wall; apparently Tetsuhiro had gotten into bed already. Souichi allowed himself to drift off to sleep, though his dreams were fitful and troubling. He dreamed that Tetsuhiro was walking away from him, and wouldn't turn back no matter how much Souichi called for him.

XXXXX

The strange mood seemed to have passed by the next morning. Tetsuhiro was already awake and cooking breakfast when Souichi came out of his room. "Good morning, Senpai," Tetsuhiro's greeting was slightly less cheerful than usual, but he smiled nonetheless. Souichi grumbled a return greeting and sat on the couch, tying his hair back.

"Here's your coffee," Tetsuhiro said, handing Souichi a steaming mug.

"Thanks," Souichi took it and sipped, watching his kouhai carefully. When the younger man started piling toast onto a plate, Souichi said, "Hey, Morinaga… Are you OK?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

Somehow, his flippant tone didn't seem genuine. "You know, last night…"

"Oh, that…" Tetsuhiro came into the room and set their plates down, sitting across from Souichi. "I was just a little tired, that's all. Go ahead and eat, OK?"

Souichi wasn't buying it. The more the man spoke, the more he sounded like he was trying to hide something. "You still seem a little off. Are you feeling ill?"

"No, Senpai. I'm OK."

"You don't sound OK. What's up?"

"Nothing…"

"Morinaga! Tell me what's wrong!"

There was a long silence between them. Finally, Tetsuhiro looked up and said, "I was just… Well, Senpai, I wish that we could be… close…"

"What do you mean? We had sex just the other night!"

"N- not like that… I mean, why won't you let me hold your hand? Even when we're alone in our own home?"

"Y- you're upset about **that**?" Souichi slammed down his mug, causing coffee to splash onto the table. "What the hell does that matter? I thought you were happy now that we're… you know…"

"But sex isn't all there is to a relationship!" Tetsuhiro said. "Senpai, don't you sometimes want to be close to me, even when we're not intimate?"

"No," Souichi lied, "why would I?"

"But…"

"You should be happy with what you get!" Souichi bit into his toast, not at all pleased with how the conversation was going. "Now shut up and eat. You'll miss the train."

Tetsuhiro didn't answer for a while. Finally, as he got up to wash the dishes, he said, "You're right, Senpai… I- I'm grateful for everything you've given me…" he smiled, and for some reason his expression sent a pang of guilt straight to Souichi's heart. The smile was an obvious cover for his real feelings. "Thank you for allowing me to stay by your side…" he said, then turned away to clear the dishes.

Souichi sat watching him for a few minutes. "You want any help?" he asked.

"No, that's OK. You should get going. You'll be late."

"Fine…" Souichi stood up, grabbed his notebook, and headed for the door. His hand on the knob, he turned once more to look at Tetsuhiro. He wanted to pursue the issue, but instead got out an awkward, "S- see you in the lab." Tetsuhiro's classes didn't start for another two hours, and Souichi wanted to get a jump start on a project.

"OK," Tetsuhiro said without turning around. "Be careful, Senpai."

Tetsuhiro finished washing the dishes, hearing the door close and sighing. Was it really too much to ask for a measly hug? Perhaps he had succeeded in persuading Souichi that sex wasn't so bad, but what if the man still didn't really love him? It seemed that romance was out of the question. Did Souichi even care for him beyond the level of friendship with casual sex thrown in?

The thoughts brought back the same pain from the previous night, and with the pain came the darkness. One minute Tetsuhiro was putting away the dishes, and the next he was on the floor, leaning against the counter. "Senpai…" he gasped, paralyzed. Would he ever truly be loved? He wondered, though it seemed that the answer was "no."

It all came crashing down on him then. His parents' refusal to even acknowledge his validity as a human being… his brother's indifference… Masaki's betrayal… and on top of it all, Souichi's constant refusal to love him the way he wanted to be loved. The way he desperately needed to be loved. He didn't have anyone who could comfort or encourage him when he was feeling upset about Souichi's callous nature, and he knew that Souichi would only be irritated if he bothered him with his feelings about his parents. His brother was always too busy for him and wasn't very emotional to begin with, and things were still somewhat awkward with Masaki. Hiroto, Yamaguchi… all of his friends were only friends in the casual sense, and he didn't feel like they would care to be bothered by his troubles beyond his weekly rants to Hiroto over drinks.

When he really thought about it, there wasn't a single person who really loved him.

At that moment, he felt truly alone. "Of course I'm alone…" he murmured to himself. "I don't deserve anything else… I- I think I get it now." He took a deep, shaky breath and let out a shuddering sob. His façade crumpled like wet paper. "It's all been my fault! I expect too much of people! A- and now, I've basically forced Senpai to change the way he felt about me! He was just fine… until I came along…"

A bolt of anger lifted him to his feet, sending him storming into the bathroom. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw a miserable man with red-rimmed eyes and a soul too selfish to warrant any sort of affection from anyone. His grip on reality growing weaker by the minute, he reared back and punched the glass. Shards exploded everywhere, taking drops of his blood with them. The glass dug into his hand, but he didn't notice the pain.

"How can he stand me?!" he shouted to the empty apartment, leaning against the bathroom wall and panting from exertion and pent-up sobs. "I just take from him, all the time, and all he wants is a friend! He just wants someone to hang out with, not some queer hanging around and forcing him into sex!"

In his agony, he didn't notice that Souichi had returned. The researcher had opened the door quickly, grabbing for the notebook that he'd left on the table by the door, when the sound of glass breaking froze him in his tracks. Hearing Tetsuhiro's angry exclamation, he rushed to the bathroom door and stopped cold when he saw what was going on.

Tetsuhiro was too wrapped up in his inner turmoil to see Souichi come into the bathroom. He slid down the wall, curling up and sobbing as blood ran down his arms and stained his clothes. Souichi didn't say anything. He looked around at the mess, then knelt beside Tetsuhiro. The shaking young man didn't respond; he seemed to be locked inside of himself, unable to do anything but sob and tremble as if he was falling apart. Panic sent Souichi's heart into his throat. He didn't know what to do. He had never seen Tetsuhiro like this before, and in fact had never dealt with anything like this. Feeling lost, he wrapped his arms around the balled-up figure and held him firmly. It was the only thing he could think of.

"H- how…" the faint voice trembled, muffled in Tetsuhiro's arms, "Why am I… a- alive? I- I wish I c- c- could just… die…"

"Stop it…" Souichi muttered almost pleadingly.

"My parents w- were right about m- me! I- I- I can't believe I put them through so much!"

"Your parents are douchebags," Souichi said venomously, but it didn't seem to have any impact on Tetsuhiro.

"I'm really… a- a demon…" his voice was less hysterical now, but an iciness was creeping into his tone as he stopped shaking. "My whole life is just… one big mistake…"

Souichi moved his hand in circles over Tetsuhiro's back, almost afraid to say anything.

"I should never have given into temptation… Never, never… No, I can't… I can't do that…"

"Can't do what?"

"Have to make it up to them… Have to tell them… I want to change… Not gay anymore…"

"M- Morinaga?"

"Tell Senpai… Not gay… Don't love him… Can't love him… He's free… F- free… Gotta let him… I'm… I'm going back… Wanna go back home… Wanna be loved again… Want Mom… Mommy…"

Souichi stood up and ran into the living room. Tossing things left and right, he finally found Tetsuhiro's phone. His thumb paused over the "menu" button, though. His first thought had been to call Kunihiro, but what would he say? That his brother had just had a mental breakdown, and… And what? What could he say? What could Kunihiro do about it?

Dropping the cell phone, Souichi walked back into the bathroom. Tetsuhiro was still curled up, muttering to himself. "Dad won't hit me again… Won't hit me… I'll be good… Please, I'm sorry… I ruined you, Senpai… I'm sorry… Leave me… alone… Go away… Go… You're free…"

"Morinaga, get up… come on…" Souichi tried in vain to pull Tetsuhiro to his feet, but the younger man wouldn't budge. He was now crying softly, his voice nothing more than broken sobs.

"Mommy, make Dad stop… I'm sorry… I'll stop… Sorry, Senpai… Please don't hurt me again… Don't… I'm bad… I know… Sorry…"

"Y- you're not bad…" Souichi swallowed hard, tears of frustration sliding down his face as he pulled Tetsuhiro out of the bathroom. It took a great deal of effort, but he managed to get him to the couch without dragging him through the glass and blood on the floor. Tetsuhiro curled up again, on his side this time, and continued to babble and cry. Souichi didn't know who to call or what to do, but he resolved to try to fix the situation as best he could. "Who hurt you?" he asked.

"Don't hurt me…"

"Who?"

"Don't…"

"Did your old man hurt you?"

Tetsuhiro whimpered.

"Why?"

"I hurt us… I'm sorry, Dad… Mom… I didn't mean to… I can't help it… I really loved…"

"You mean Masaki, right?" Souichi grit his teeth. He was angry at Masaki for causing this, and angry at Tetsuhiro's parents for casting their youngest son away. He was angry at the whole town for believing the rumors about Tetsuhiro's malicious intentions. Most of all, though, he was angry at himself. He had never known just how deeply Tetsuhiro was affected by it all, or how much it hurt his kouhai to be pushed away.

"I didn't do it… Please don't… Senpai…"

"I'm sorry, Morinaga…"

"No, no, no! My fault! It's my fault!"

"No, it's not!" Souichi couldn't be sure, but he thought he was having a conversation with the incoherent man. "Look at you; you're a mess! It… it's my fault… I'm sorry… I get it, now. It's OK. I told you I wanted you to stay with me, didn't I? I just… I just need a little more time. Let me get used to it all… You know I'm not really... good with stuff like that..."

Tetsuhiro said no more. He continued to sob into his folded arms, and Souichi laid his head on Tetsuhiro's shoulder and tried to stop his own tears from falling. They stayed like that for hours, and Souichi was starting to feel cramped when Tetsuhiro finally settled down and drifted off to sleep.

XXXXX

When the golden light of sunset peered in through the balcony door, Souichi groaned and stretched out his aching legs. All day, he had stayed by Tetsuhiro's side as the younger man lay dead to the world, unmoving except for an occasional moan and furrowing of his brow. Souichi stood up from his position on the couch, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach. He didn't want to leave his kouhai alone just yet.

His heart skipped a beat when Tetsuhiro stirred, shifting his legs and frowning. His eyelids fluttered a few times, and then they opened. Souichi just watched as Tetsuhiro rubbed his eye, sat up, and looked around.

"Still here…" he whispered in a tone that was barely audible. Tetsuhiro took some time to get used to his surroundings, though he didn't know where else he'd expected to be. His mind was foggy and he was a little disoriented, but he realized that Souichi was standing beside him and staring at him with a worried look on his face. "What?" he asked.

"You… Are you OK?" Souichi asked uncertainly.

"Why?"

The deadpan voice disturbed him. "Don't you remember what happened?"

Tetsuhiro looked down at the floor. His mind zoomed back to what felt like a few days ago, but the last thing he remembered was staring at his reflection in the mirror. He looked down at the cuts on his right hand, and at the rivulets of dried blood on his arm. Apparently Souichi had removed the shards of glass, leaving scabbed cuts and punctures everywhere. He couldn't feel them when he ran his other fingers over the bumps, but the sight did remind him of his outburst. "I broke the mirror," he said, "I guess I should go clean it up."

"That's hardly the issue here," Souichi said, though he tried to keep his tone of voice even. His first instinct was to get angry, but he sensed that it wouldn't do anything to help the situation.

Tetsuhiro stood up shakily, and then went into the kitchen. He returned with the broom and dustpan, and set to work sweeping glass shards that had been trailed through the living room. "Morinaga…" Souichi said, but couldn't think of anything to continue with. Tetsuhiro just kept sweeping, following the trail to the bathroom. Souichi watched him, struggling to make sense of the situation. First Tetsuhiro had completely lost it, and now he was acting like a robot; furthermore, he wasn't even addressing his bizarre behavior from before.

Wondering what to do, the bewildered man sat down on the couch. All of this had started when he'd pushed Tetsuhiro away, so he figured that showing him some affection would make everything better. The trouble was getting over his stubborn pride. An internal battle was being fought as Tetsuhiro finished in the bathroom and came to sit down beside Souichi.

"Senpai, I think I should go," he said matter-of-factly.

"What?" Souichi snapped out of his raging thoughts.

"I'm leaving. Don't know where, but I guess I'll stay with some friends."

"After I agreed to stay with you… after I told you to stay by my side, you're just gonna leave?" he couldn't help getting angry at this. Just what was the kid thinking?

"Yeah," Tetsuhiro nodded. "It's not working out. I'm sorry I ever forced you to accept it."

"You never forced me to do anything!"

"I know I did. You've told me plenty of times." Tetsuhiro leaned back, sighing, though his eyes betrayed no emotion. He seemed tired. His whole body slumped, as if he had just been utterly defeated by some powerful enemy. In truth, he had lost the will to fight any more. If being with him was so hard for Souichi, then he wasn't going to force the issue.

"But you know… Y- you know that I didn't…" Shit, Souichi thought. It was still hard for him to admit anything. Somehow it was even harder now that he knew just how much it hurt Tetsuhiro. All he had to do was say those three little words.

"It's OK, Senpai. You don't have to make yourself be with me. You don't love me, and it was selfish of me to want you to. I'm sorry."

"Morinaga…" Souichi swallowed hard, "I- You know, I…"

"Hm?"

"I… I love… you…"

"Thank you for saying that. But you don't have to." It wasn't the response Souichi had expected. He'd thought that if he'd finally said it, Tetsuhiro would have been shocked and maybe a little incredulous, but at least he would have been happy. Those words had been the unreachable goal for so long, and now that he'd finally had the courage and the humility to say them, Tetsuhiro didn't seem to care.

"I'm saying that because I** want** to!" Souichi shouted. Tetsuhiro didn't seem to hear him. He stood and started walking towards the door. Souichi's heart beat faster.

"_How could you have gotten such a low score?!" _

"_I'm sorry, Da-"_

"_Don't tell me you're sorry! It's not __**my**__ future you're ruining! What the hell are you doing all day if you're not studying? This is unacceptable. Go to the shed and stay there until I come!" _

Furiously, Souichi rose to his feet and crossed the room quickly. There was no way Tetsuhiro was running away this time.

"_OW!" _

"_Quiet. You have a choice, Tetsuhiro. Study hard and be rewarded with a solid future, or neglect your work and be punished." _

"_Uwa! That hurt!" _

"_Trust me, life will discipline you much more harshly than I'm doing now." _

"_Oww…!"_

"_You think this cane hurts? Try starving on the street." _

Tetsuhiro felt himself being grabbed by the wrist, felt the pull dragging him away. He didn't care. All he could see and hear were the memories. Outwardly he was placid, but inside his mind was racing through many different scenes, each one bringing its own special kind of pain.

"_I'm sorry I broke the window!" _

"_I didn't mean to say that."_

"_It's true… I- I'm gay… I'm so sorry…"_

Souichi pulled Tetsuhiro into his room and pushed him onto the bed.

"_Masaki-san, do you want to go to the park today?"_

"_Um… No, I don't think I can. Kunihiro and I have some homework to do." _

"_Oh, well then can I study with you?" _

"_Sorry, Tetsuhiro. We're going to be working pretty late, and you have your own work to do. We'll go out this weekend, OK?" _

"_Sure, that's fine!" _

"_Ah, don't hug me like that in public…"_

"_S- sorry, Masaki-san! We're alone, but…"_

"_It's OK. See you later." _

Tetsuhiro lay on the mattress, staring ahead without seeing anything. Souichi moved to lie beside him.

"_Stop talking about all that love crap!"_

Tentatively, Souichi reached over to wrap his arms around Tetsuhiro.

Suddenly, the memories stopped.

The room came into focus again.

The voices quieted.

Souichi pulled Tetsuhiro closer, tucking the younger man's head under his own chin and against his shoulder. With one arm beneath and around his shoulders and the other around his folded arms, he pressed him close.

Warmth spread throughout Tetsuhiro's body, vanquishing the pain and fear. His body relaxed, growing limp in Souichi's arms. His eyes closed, and a single tear made its way down his cheek. This was what he'd craved for so long, what he never thought he'd get to experience. Souichi cradled him like a child, and Tetsuhiro's hand reached up to grasp at the blonde's shirt. He could feel Souichi's heart beating right next to his ear.

The dam broke, but this time his sobs brought relief. Rather than churning and rolling over and over, the anguish was washed away. He cried, and with each tear he felt cleansed. Vindicated. Absolved. Each tremor in his body shook the pieces of his heart, and each time more and more fit together. Souichi's fingers threaded through ebony hair, ruffling and soothing until the storm abated and Tetsuhiro was beginning to feel whole again.

They lay there quietly for a long while. When the last tics had subsided, Souichi placed two fingers under Tetsuhiro's chin and gently tipped his face upward. Their eyes met, honey gold and purest silver. Tetsuhiro was smiling peacefully, and Souichi found that his own lips curved upward in a small smile. He'd been frightened, he had to admit. Seeing the hope shining in those eyes made him feel like everything was going to be OK, though, so he allowed himself this expression of happiness. Tetsuhiro buried his face in Souichi's chest once more and sighed contentedly.

Both of their stomachs were growling, and Souichi knew they couldn't stay like this forever. Still, he promised himself that he would do this more often. To think that all this time, a hug was all Tetsuhiro really needed… Why hadn't he thought of that before?

He would definitely be doing this more often, though not for such long periods of time (his sore arms rejoiced). He would also be giving Tetsuhiro's parents a call.

But that could wait until later.

**The End**

**Yeah, emo-fest. You were warned. But it all turned out OK in the end! **


End file.
